Posts filed under 'Love'
Wednesday morning thoughts
Wednesdays always feel like Thursdays.
Or so I want it to be Thursday SO BAD - just so the next day is Friday.
Sigh - once again, I woke up thinking it’s the next day and I am bummed out.
Good news though! I went to hot yoga last night and did ten times better than I thought I would. I taught class first, then there was a 15 minute break until our next class. I had already drank a quart of water and soaked through my clothes. So I went out to my car and grabbed another yoga outfit and totally got into my 90 minute practice.
I was so focused. I tried to listen to nothing but Jessica’s voice (our instructor), the heaters humming above us, and my breath. I barely even fidgeted between postures. I could feel the sweat rolling down my back, down my chest and off my elbows. In our inverted postures my eyes stung from my sweat. I blinked them away, trying not to be bothered.
I must have done something funky to my elbow the other day though because it’s been bugging me, it’s like this dull ache that hurts enough that I had to take some Aleve last night so I get to sleep.
When we did Ustrasana (Camel Pose), I came out of second set a bit emotional. Like I had just released whatever sadness I had pushed down inside me. Other than feeling a bit dizzy, I wanted to cry. I know it sounds weird but I love feeling that way. I love getting rid of whatever “ick” I have harbored.
By the time I finished the entire practice, 90 minutes later, I felt lighter. Not just because I sweated so much either! I felt elated, freed of something that ailed me.
Today I took a boxing boot camp class during my lunch hour. It was intense. My legs are sore from yesterday’s workout that lifing them up to do the front kicks were hard, but I pushed through it.
This has been a great week so far! Tonight I am taking it easy, going to the grocery store and picking up some vegetables, planning out my weekend.
Ian and I have been talking more about our days, and snuggling at night before we fall asleep. It feels so good to be best friends with my husband. He is sweet, and funny, and always praising me for how focused I am in everything I do.
Thank goodness he has noticed. That just makes me smile:)
Namaste.
Add comment November 20, 2008
Personal goal, personal practice
For many people, practicing yoga with community is the only way to go. Many yogis and yoginis enjoy the dynamic of others in the room, moving in one breath together, receiving instruction, even though they know the next move, the next pose.
I personally enjoy home practice more. It’s more of a challenge for me because I am only comparing myself to my last practice. How did I feel the last time I was on my mat? I want to hold this pose longer, better, deeper…
My personal practice has been pretty nonexistent since August. I took up weightlifting to compete in 2 figure competitions where I took 4th and 5th place. I was not thrilled with my placings, but I was happy to have placed.
Armed with new goals, I know that everything in life requires balance. So going into the gym has helped me achieve some great goals as far as muscle size and symmetry, but my mental focus and sense of peace has dwindled quite a bit. Not to mention flexbility - that’s gone way down.
But I have been here before knowing that the moment I get back into Vinyasa, my flexibility will return quickly. My body will remember where I was before, and will want to return to its former state.
So my personal goal is to continue to gain muscle mass - lifting weights 4 times a week and practice yoga 3 times a week. Whether it is in heat (the studio) or not, my personal practice will include vinyasa to keep my muscles long and feminine looking.
Frankly I am so petite I am just not built to look like a bodybuilder even if I wanted to. But my body is aching for flow, for movement with my breath, and for inner peace. Something I don’t achieve when lifting weights.
I took up teaching hot yoga every other Sunday night at 7:00pm. I will be taking the 5:00 class then teaching right afterwards. Hopefully, I won’t just feel like taking a nap!
Business at the studio has definitely picked up. More and more students are purchasing larger packages - committing themselves to a regular practice throughout the holiday season.
Even though I get in 30 minutes before class starts, there is always a few students waiting for me to open up the doors, so they can lie down in savasana in the heat and focus in on the practice they are about to start. I will be right there with them.
Namaste.
Add comment November 12, 2008
I would rather be alone
I had lunch with a girlfriend last week who has been without a significant other for over a year. Another girlfriend of mine (whom I also had lunch with last week) - has been in relationships that have resulted with zero commitment.
Both are in their 30’s, attractive, and well liked. They have plenty of friends, they own their own homes, they are responsible, basically have their lives all put together.
They don’t have any problems meeting people, and plenty of friends are constantly having to set some dinner dates, social gatherings, a drink here, appetizers there, yet nothing.
Nothing really has been happening.
One of them is a bit younger than me, 34 years old. She has had plenty of experience with men. She is friendly, successful, and fun to be with. And she doesn’t feel she’s all that picky. I’ve seen some of the men she’s been attracted to, and I think they have all been good picks.
But nothing has ever really worked out for her.
My other friend is actually one of my best friends, and we are the same age. We just turned 39 this past summer.
She is a beauty, classic and sweet, just all around goodness. The kind of person you don’t meet often these days. I mean that. She’s generous and active in her church. All her friends are pretty and she NEVER has any problem attracting men. But she’s alone as well.
They both said the same thing to me towards the end of our time together, “I would rather be alone than be in a relationship that makes me sad/miserable.”
They both gave me examples of mutual friends/acquaintances that we know who are unhappy in their relationships. Although I know my marriage is strong, I won’t deny thinking the same thing when dear husband and I have been in a nasty fight.
So at one point in your relationship do you think, “I would rather be alone”? Do single people feel this way? Apparently yes. Do many people in a relationship feel this way? On occasion, I would say yes.
And is it normal? Absolutely.
There’s too much stress put on being in a relationship, or being married for that matter as we approach middle age. Our society almost expects, and often asks if one is in a relationship over casual conversation. It’s just something to talk about. Relationships are always an interesting conversation. Whether you are in one or not.
My cousin who has been married and divorced and now is a single mom to her son of 7 years old, often tells me that being lonely is one of the hardest emotions to deal with. It’s not that having a child is more of an impact, it’s that having a child doesn’t make up for not having a partner in one’s life.
I don’t think it’s about the stability, or sex, or a guaranteed date on holidays. It’s about your partner being your best friend. It’s about being so comfortable with another person, you know they will still love you no matter what you look like, or how cranky you are in any given day. It’s about fighting, AND making up. It’s about good company, and snuggling next to each other and watching a good movie. Everyone wants that - way into old age.
It’s about the ups and downs that couples endure. And if you endure it each time - you grow to love each other in a way you never thought possible. I would say that’s where my marriage is at.
So who do you know means it from their heart when they say they would rather be alone?
Is it the person who has never been in a healthy relationship?
Who has fallen for the wrong person one too many times?
Who simply cannot tolerate the ‘quirky things’ about other peopel?
Or is it someone who simply cannot make the commitment? Someone who always finds fault in someone else and rarely sees improvement that needs to be made within themselves?
I think that people don’t mean it when they say it.
I think we as human beings were meant to be with each other, to love and be loved, and to grow. As corny as it sounds, it’s what God put us on earth to do.
So if it takes your whole life to find the one person who makes you feel so good about who you are and how you love them back - was it worth waiting your whole life?
Oh yeah.
Add comment November 3, 2008
Why does love change?
I haven’t been blogging for a long time, so much going on. Everyone has so much going on…but my marriage has been on my mind so much these days because my husband and I have fallen into the ‘routine’.
I struggle to understand that no matter how much we are aware that our relationships change, that we still allow the change to happen.
I don’t think the change is bad, or good, it’s just something that happens over time and couples grow apart.
I know my husband loves me. And I am sure he knows I love him, but we have gotten used to the everyday schedule, the daily grind, the shuffling of kids around in the house and trying to get enough rest.
I miss my husband. I told him so last week. He just started a new job (after having been laid off last June). I work two jobs. We have 3 kids in school and a 3 year old going through a terrible whiney stage. Our plates are full.
The lack of intimacy is obvious. We barely hold hands anymore. When we sit on the couch, one of us is destined to fall asleep. On opposite schedules, it’s the constant relay of ‘you do this, I’ll take care of that.’
We don’t mean to neglect each other, but we do - and we are both aware of it. I miss the ‘getting to know you’ stage - you know the stage where you always look forward to seeing each other. You want to know everything about that new person in your life. You’re smitten - and nothing about that person bothers you. In fact, they’re just so ‘cute’ - right?
I am not going to lie, my husband gets on my nerves. Sometimes it’s the littlest things like how he is always tapping his hand again something to make a drumming sound. It’s the dumbest thing and it drives me crazy. I know I drive him crazy too. He can’t stand the fact that the minute I get home I have to clean a part of the house - like put the dishes in the sink, or take out the garbage or sweep the floor. Whatever, I do that before sitting down or barely taking off my shoes.
I can’t sem to relax unless I ‘do something’ first. I have always been this way and it’s just part of who I am. I don’t see what the big deal is - just as much as he doesn’t see the big deal about drumming his fingers on hands on any object or surface for any extended period of time.
They are stupid things that make us crazy that never bothered us before.
As with many other couples, we don’t have a whole lot of intimacy either. There’s 4 kids in our house who always need something and who are always running through the house. By the time everyone is in bed, we have already fallen asleep in front of the TV.
Where did the passion go?
I know that when we take time for each other, I love being thankful for who Ian is to me. He is one of my closest friends, he makes me laugh, he is funny and silly and easy to be around.
But what I miss most is having a cup of coffee in any quaint coffee house, holding our mugs to keep our hands warm - sitting across from each other and linking fingers. I miss that. It’s always the simple stuff, isn’t it?
I just want to know why this happens to so many couples? Married or not, children or not, opposite schedules or not, it happens.
Shed some light on me. The fall is looming over us - winter is just around the corner and I am already feeling the doom of fatigue and sadness that grabs at me during this time of the year.
Namaste.
Add comment October 28, 2008
The irony of wanting intimacy with your spouse
I want this to be funny, but I will be honest and say I am writing out of frustration.
Last night I told my husband that I wanted him. Simple enough, right? Clear - to the point - and yes, he seemed to be happy with the invitation. The thing is, he had to take one of our girls to soccer practice, and I had to take our 3 year old with me to pick up my competition suits that were done being altered (side note: they are so AWESOME and I love the way I look in them but that’s another post…).
So I told dear husband that I would love for us to shower together - for him to come to bed early tonight, and for us to get our friction on. No, I didn’t really say that but I’m on a roll right now and you get the idea. I told him this at about 5:30 in the evening when I first arrived home from work.
We were both home before 8pm and I decided to practice my posing (for my contest) for about 20 minutes before I started winding down for the night.
Well, all was great because he jumped in the shower. He didn’t ask me to join him, and I didn’t jump in. I just figured that’s what he wanted to do and it didn’t bother me.
I watched a bit of tv and he got on the computer once he was finished in the bathroom.
I told him I’d like him to come to bed soon and he mumbled, “I’ll be there.”
Our 8 year old girl was stalling for bed time and I could hear him arguing with her.
Our 3 year old was so quiet that I walked around looking for him and discovered that he fell asleep on the couch downstairs.
So I got him ready for bed and asked Ian to put him in his bed. I just figured he’d join me when he was done.
That didn’t happen.
I fell asleep at 10:00.
The friction never got on.
Well - I woke up this morning frustrated that I didn’t get what I wanted. Why? Because I don’t ask for it very often.
The funny thing is - not really funny mind you, just using the expression - is that whenever I act uninterested is when he is all over me. When we have guests - he wants me - when the kids are in the next room awake and playing - he wants me - when I am so tired I can’t even respond - he wants me. When I’m pissy and act like I don’t care - he wants me.
When I want him - he’s kind of ‘eh’ - so why is that?
I’ve always been curious about this phenomenon. It’s been this way for quite some time.
Now I just figure he’ll probably be interested tonight because I’m not anymore - and then I’ll have to tell him he lost his chance. Does that make me a b*tch? I don’t think so - but maybe some other husbands do.
It’s weird that dear husband is so much more attracted to me when I could care less what he does every evening. When I do tell him “I’d love to get some time with you tonight” - he just kind of looks at me blankly - and doesn’t respond with “you got it baby” (man - that would be SO nice if he said that).
Anyway - so that was my unfulfilled Wednesday night.
So dull, so boring, I know.
2 comments September 11, 2008
4 weeks to my figure competition
I am four weeks out to my figure competition.
Last week when I visited my nutritionist for my weekly check in - I was measured at 11 percent bodyfat. I’m right on track.
This is a very exciting time for me. I have never done this before so a new challenge always keeps me highly focused.
The work remains though - I get the same feedback every week - I need to gain more size in my shoulders and I need to lean out my quads. Imagine that. I am at 11% bodyfat and my legs aren’t lean enough.
I try not to be too self critical. I just adjust my workouts as I need to.
So today I am doing shoulders since I eat the most on Mondays. My nutrtitionist (Pete) cycles my carb intake. Mondays and Tuesdays I take in the most carbs so I work hardest in the gym on those days since I have the most energy. Naturally, I choose shoulders and legs.
I am adding on triceps today since my triceps haven’t made any progress in over a week. I am hoping to see a difference when I get measured tonight.
The eating has been easy, surprisingly. But I think that has to do with being able to eat 3 cheat meals on the weekend. And I thoroughly enjoyed my cheat meals this weekend! I had a burger and fries on Saturday night, then yesterday I had BREAD, a slice of chocolate cake and a philly cheesesteak sandwich. OH! I was so happy.
Today I am back on track.
My cardio has been going very well. Saturday I ran 4 miles and Sunday I ran 5. We have plenty of rolling hills in my neighborhood so my heart feels like it’s going to explode by the end of my run. I wear a heart monitor and my average heart rate is about 170. That’s high intensity and I feel so great when I am done. I never run for longer than 45 minutes since I don’t have much fat to lose.
I started practicing my posing - which are very basic quarter turns. They are difficult to do because you have to suck in the abs really hard the entire time. The next morning my obliges and abs are so sore since I have to twist and hold.
I saw this great lady on Saturday who is working on my posing suits. Since I am on such a tight budget since Ian lost his job, I bought suits from competitors who were willing to sell theirs to me. One of them being Tanji Johnson, a pro fitness competitor who comes from Renton, Washington.
The problem (not a REAL problem mind you) - is that I am so petite I had to get them altered since they were not made for me. They will work and I know they will look good, but I want to looks as good as I can. If I have to spend a couple houndred dollars anyway - I might as well have a suit custom made.
I guess this all depends on how much I actually enjoy competing, and if I am good enough to continue.
I have big goals. I want to finish in the top 5 overall - and hopefully top 3 in my height class. If so, I can qualify for pro! If that happens, doors will open for me and I would REALLY love that.
Anyways - I know I am dreaming big but I am putting so much effort and work into it, that I might as well go for the best. That’s just who I am.
This coming Sunday my cousin will come over to my house and play around with some make up. I always do the same thing to my face - which is not much - but I know I will need to take it up a few notches because the stage lights will be very bright and I don’t want to look washed out.
I just hope I am not so nervous on stage that my face starts twitching! That would not be pretty. We’ll see though.
More tomorrow after my check in with Pete…
Namaste.
Add comment September 8, 2008
Hot Yoga in the Summer
Hot yoga doesn’t seem to be so popular during the summer months. This is attributed by several things, especially in the economy we’re in right now.
I taught Tuesday and Thursday’s class last week. There were only 8 students in each class. Although I enjoy instructing smaller classes because I can give students more individual attention, I miss having a full class. I know the students like having a full class as well. The more people in class, the hotter it gets, and the better our practice.
I find in this warm summer weather, I would rather practice yoga at home and deepen my practice by concentrating on traditional yoga. I mainly warm up with sun salutations, then my level 2 and 3 poses. Then my floor exercise, an inversion, and savasana. An hour practice is perfect.
If I didn’t work at a studio, I probably would only practice at home. The gas prices and economy has made everyone rethink their spending habits.
It’s stressful for many families who have more than one child to manage their money during this trying time.
I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude but it’s hard when my husband is clearly blown over by his recent layoff. We have been able to create a budget that affords us to pay for all of our bills but who wants to live paycheck to paycheck?
In light of our stiuation, I find peace and comfort in my practice and meditation.
I can only continue to encourage others to practice as well, as much as you can, daily is always best.
And when summer is over, hopefully our studio will be filled again. Hopefully our spirits will be enlightened and everyone’s situation will be different and better than it is today.
Namaste.
Add comment July 8, 2008
Love that lasts forever
I am smitten with my husband.
Sometimes he gets on my nerves, and I am certain the feelings are mutual. But for the most part, I believe I have found love that will last forever.
I say this because I have been in love before, twice. At the time (each time) I felt in my heart that this love was it. At 18 years old, I was convinced. Then at 30 years old I was convinced.
Love that lasts forever exists if you want it.
Add comment June 17, 2008
Power Yoga - the journey to deepening my practice
Power Yoga is another form of hot yoga that students see offered in many hot yoga studios.
Our studio will offer this again once we expand our classes in the mornings. The morning classes will most likely be one hour long. The power yoga class will be 75 minutes.
I just made a commitment to deepening my Power Yoga practice. Since I have been concentrating on my bikram practice, I find my body has been aching for flow - movement - and more ‘oomph’.
To do this I have to carve out the time on my schedule to dedicate 3 hours or more a week to my Ashtanga practice.
If you have never heard of Ashtanga yoga before, visit www.Ashtanga.com .
Read a bit about the history, then check on the gallery. You will be blown away.
Out of all the different yoga practices, it is Ashtanga that pushes me to the edge. It is physically the most demanding in my opinion. It will take my whole life to get to full pose, I wonder if I will ever master the intermediate series, but I will certainly try!
Sitting at a desk all day is killing my back. Literally, it is killing my energy too. My posture is decent, but it’s hard to sit for a few hours at a time.
So as I turned 39 yesterday, I vowed to create a new goal. There is always room to deepen my practice even more. I would like to get another certification under my belt but it costs a lot of money, and if you know any aspiring yoga teachers, we don’t choose yoga for the money. It’s not only expensive to attend workshops and add certifications, but instruction doesn’t pay a ton.
So the next step is deepening the practice such that my body finds a level of strength I never thought even existed. After 3 babies and all my emotional stories, I let go of all the stories and reasons why I am not where I want to be.
It’s very important to create the possibility that our bodies don’t ‘feel’ age. That’s all in our heads. Sometimes we come with other excuses like “My body’s not built that way” or “I’m just not that flexible or strong.”
Our bodies want us to be stronger so we just have to work it.
Seeing my kids grow up and get stronger has made me want to keep up with them. They like knowing I am still faster than them, that I want to run with them and teach them yoga. Imagine what that does for their self esteem - then you can imagine what that does for me in return.
I hope to show some basic pics of Ashtanga yoga within the next couple weeks. You’ll see something new I am working on, then I will journal my progress. If you’re doing something similar, I’d love to hear about it.
Namaste.
Add comment June 11, 2008
Bring on the tears - I can’t stop crying
Last night I was realized how much I would be missing my mother today.
Today is my 39th birthday. She died when I was 36.
She was always the first one to call me up on my birthday and say “Happy Birthday Joy, am I the first one to call you today?” That meant a lot to her, and I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I stopped getting those phone calls.
Last night when I came home I called my 10 year old daughter Michal, who is always with her dad on a Monday night. I just knew she’d make me feel better. She’s so good at that. But it was 6:20 and they were eating dinner. She told me she’d call me back.
When she returned my phone call, it was 9:10 at night and I was nearing the end of my hot yoga class. I always teach the 8:15 class on Monday nights. I got her message when I got home. I listened to it at 10:15.
Knowing it was too late to call her back, I cried in the corner of my kitchen, missing my little girl, wanting to hear her little voice say “Hi Mama. How was your yoga class?” For some reason I knew that would make me all better.
I just walked upstairs, took a hot shower and came into bed with Ian already falling asleep in front of the TV. I needed to be held so bad I woke him up and asked him to turn around and hold me. He did without any grunting or whispering something under his breath. I just sighed. And he being the good husband, comforted me in his arms.
I woke up this morning feeling better but still sad. I made myself some coffee when Michal called me at 6:10 this morning. She asked me, “Am I the first one to tell you happy birthday?” I told her she was the first one to call and tell me so. And I automatically felt soothed. She told me that she would be the one to replace ‘grandma’s phonecalls’. I had tears of joy in my eyes.
I’ve just been a basket case since yesterday. Thinking about my mother, knowing I am getting older (which doesn’t really bother me really…although there’s something to be said about my last year in my 30’s). The weather has been awful, raining every day and only 50 degrees in mid June. Ugh, no wonder people commit suicide in this city more than others.
I drove into work just being sad about a lot of things and I don’t know why exactly. I don’t want to think it’s because I am getting older but maybe part of me is facing a lot of realities right now. Nothing bad, just things I miss.
I always say that my greatest gifts in life are my children. They love me so much no matter what. They forgive me quickly, always want me to watch them do their next cool thing, laugh with them, or just lay around on the couch with them. It’s all those little moments that make me feel good about being a mom they really enjoy being with.
So my tears today appear to be of sadness and joy. Birthdays do that to some people I guess.
I look at my reflection and I see Michal which brings a huge smile to my face. I also see my mother and that will always make me sad but I am happy.
Happy on my Birthday I am I am.
3 comments June 10, 2008
