HOT YOGA MAMA

This topic came up one night when I was hanging out with a number of girlfriends years ago. I thought I would write about it because I am curious to see what other people (whom I don’t know) think.

I have come to believe that a lot of people think that automatic ‘chemistry’ is essential in considering a mate. You know, for those of you who have tried online dating, or any form of blind dating…you feel a hint of disappointment if you are no way moved by the person you first meet.

I have a few examples I can use for this topic but I am just going to talk about the one relationship that was huge for me - my ex-husband.

Parrish and I met through my friend Tanya. He was her accountant. I had been single for quite some time and she was ‘on the look out’ for me.

We talked on the phone for over a week. There wasn’t any real ’spark’ over the phone really. He was an accountant, a finance guy. He was pretty dry to me. But after the first few conversations he was attempting to make me laugh, and I liked the fact he really put in some effort. He suggested we do ‘lunch’.

Now you know when you first meet your blind date, you cannot figure out the best outfit to wear, the perfect lipstick shade, how to do your hair, nail polish…everything has to be so dang calculated. At the time I was working as the front desk receptionist at a prominent Seattle Real Estate office. I was 25 years old and I can honestly say now (since that was 13 years ago) that I looked damn good.

I had to dress nice for work so I wore a black dress with tiny white polka dots, short sleeves, and a white baby doll collar. My hair was pulled back in a french twist and I had red lipstick on. It was 1995, so people dressed like that. I thought I looked good, I know you all think “man that does not sound cute”. But hey, I weighed about 93 pounds, I could wear anything.

We met at a small Japanese restaurant in Seattle. It had a sushi station and about 15 tables in the entire restaurant. I had been in the restaurant before owned by a Japanese family. It was 5 minutes from my job so a lunch hour blind date was fine with me.

I arrived on time. I sat for 5 minutes, wondering where he was. 10 minutes later, I thought, ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’. So I got up, flung my bag over my shoulder heading out the door.

Then he walked in.

He was clearly in a rush, apologizing profusely for being late. I should have known better. Being late ended up being the theme during our entire relationship.

First of all, I will never forget my first impression of him. He told me he worked out, he wasn’t exaggerating. He stood 6′4, and close to 225 pounds. His polo shirt seemed to hug his shoulders and biceps, and his slacks were sadly a tad too tight. My first thought truly was “this guy is too big for me”.

I accepted his apology because other than his size, he was obviously a very good looking guy. So my second thought was “this guy is way too good looking, he would totally cheat on me”. That tells you where I have been in past relationships, doesn’t it?

I already had my guard up, but I can’t say I was attracted to him even though he was obviously one of the best looking guys I had ever gone out with. He was (and still is obviously) half black, and half white - but he was whiter than white. He was all business, very much on the dry side, and a bit on the clumsy side - dropping his chopsticks a couple times, shuffling in his seat. I think it was his size, he didn’t fit in the chair very well.

Overall it was a nice date. He was easy to talk to and we were only together for 45 minutes. No butterflies in my stomach, no pitter patter in my heart, nothing out of the ordinary.

But he called me shortly after that first date and we decided to see each other again. I told all my girlfriends about this fine man who was way too good looking for my own good. I definitely had insecurities. I wanted to take it down a notch. I figured if I was with someone a bit mediocre, he wouldn’t cheat on me.

The spark didn’t ignite for at least a month or so. But he was a perfect gentleman. He didn’t try to hold my hand or kiss me. He was privy to my signals and I wasn’t sending any out.

But in time, his beauty was unbearable. His ambition was admirable, and he in time, became pretty funny.

So I fell in love with him.

What did I want? I really wanted that “love at first sight” feeling with him, because he became my husband. I wanted the instant passion, ‘I can barely wait to take you home’ thoughts floating in my head. I didn’t have that with him.

But I grew to love him. He was sweet, gentle, and a responsible man. In my mind he was the right person to marry. There were no ’signs of danger’ - he didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs. He didn’t even have a long list of ex girlfriends. In fact, he had one. That’s it.

So yes, you can learn to love someone.

But in my experience, it was not a long lasting relationship. Although we married and brought 2 beautiful people into the world, our marriage ended when our youngest was only 2 1/2. We were together for only 8 1/2years. When we divorced, it was easy. We didn’t even argue about who got what. I don’t think there was any love at the end of our relationship.

I think love is enduring, but it doesn’t always last. I think that love is different with each person you fall in love with, so you can’t put every relationship in the same basket. They all hold their specialty.

Have you learned to love someone? What was that like for you? Do you believe that you can learn to love someone out of nothing? Or should ‘a little something’ be there?