HOT YOGA MAMA

Ahhh, the decision to throw out the ultimatum…this is always a good discussion. I have experienced a couple of these first hand, and a few of these through the closest people in my life.

Just recently, one of my best friends Katina delivered the final ultimatum to her boyfriend of over a year.  She and I are the same age, but she has never been married and has no children. But she is close to 40 and she knows FOR a FACT she wants children, and the infamous clock at the top of the hour is ticking loudly.

So - she knows she loves this man, or else why would she be with him? She’s really only had one other boyfriend, who after over 10 years together, turned out to be nothing but a ‘barely there’ surface friendship. At least they can say ‘hi’ to one another.

Then along came Bill, and he is 10 years older than her. He has never been married either, nor does he have children. It sounds like a good match - no baggage, no drama. He’s really a good man. After ‘extensive research’, Katina found out nothing but good things about him. So what happened? Well, she fell in love and he treated her so well it just -seemed - as though he loved her in return.

But over a year later, and the words “I love you” did not cross his lips…she didn’t say it first, because, well, we just don’t say it first, do we?

Anyway, Katina first came to me about 5 months ago telling me she needed to give him an ultimatum. She knew she wanted to be with him, she can see herself having a family with him, and she does not want to wait any longer to have children. So it was the biggest ultimatum of all ultimatums any woman can throw at her man - “Marry me, have kids with me, or I’m out”.

Couple months later she still didn’t have the conversation with him. They didn’t even really fight, no bickering, no whining, no frustrations…I told her she wouldn’t be able to do it. He’s too nice and she’s so passive.

Yet another couple months passed and she was clearly reaching anxiety about the entire situation.  I told her it would be too hard to do it, knowing that it would mean the end of the relationship. You have to really mean it - you have to walk away if you say you’re going to.

Opportunities came and went and the conversation never happened. So I visited her last Monday, unexpectedly. I walked into her room and she told me she sent him an email last Friday. An email? Yes. It happened over email. I guess it was the only way she could muster up all she had to say in one fall swoop.

Even over email, the task was not easy but the ultimatum was clear, “I love you, do you even love me? I want to get married and have your children. If you don’t want the same, it is time for me to move on before I really get hurt”. Obviously it was more than that, but that was the gist of it. She wasn’t cruel, or blaming him for anything. She said it plainly and simply, and honestly.

It’s too soon to say he’s turned around. You know how that goes. Men are notorious for being slower than molasses. But hey, we know this about them so we figure a few days, maybe a week? Some even longer? Some never come around. And it’s not because they don’t get it, it’s because they know they aren’t ready, and that’s something we just have to accept.

So no, I don’t have an outcome yet for this ultimatum, but once I do, believe me I will post about it.

So let me tell you about the ultimatum my sister Janet delivered to her boyfriend at the time, Levi. They had been dating for over 5 years when they bought a quaint house in Magnolia. Janet, being the good Filipino woman she is, continued to live at home with our parents since they were not yet engaged. Levi of course lived in the house.

This went on for over a year, when finally Janet told Levi straight up, “You better put a ring on my finger within a year or I’m out of here“. Lo and behold, the ring appeared the next time they spent time together. The baby appeared less than a year after they were married. Things almost always happen flawlessly with my sister. She has a way of planning things out and the chips fall perfectly, she’s just got that way of knowing when the best time is to do something.

Her ultimatum was not dramatic, or even all that thought out. She was serious and told him from her heart (and gut) that it was time. Levi is a smart man, and obviously in love with my sister. He wasn’t going to let that go, and so he didnt’.

Almost 13 years later and they are still married. Their quaint house turned into a near mansion (still in Magnolia), and life is grand.

So do ultimatums work? Well, some people will say yes and some will say no. My opinion? They work when you present it to the right person. Because the right person will KNOW not to let you go.